Come on.
Good, lad.
Good, mate.
Come on, lads.
Sandra.
I'll see you at 11.
Morning, bike.
Stay.
How are you, Geoff?
Not bad, Col. How's business?
Booming.
Pretty good game last night.
Play like that, we’ll be in the Premier next season.
Yeah.
Zippy had a cracking game.
Treble 19, 10, and double 16.
Calm as a dead horse.
You did alright.
Not bad.
So, sorted out the travel plans?
Next couple of days.
Blackpool.
Athletic Arms on tour.
Deno was saying that Bristow's got arthritis again.
Has he heck.
That's what I said.
It's 'cause his missus isn't lettin' him go, you know.
"Deno, it's 'cause your missus isn't lettin' you go."
Right.
Oh, I'll catch you later, Col.
I'll be ordering your darts after.
Oh, hello.
Yes, do you stock the Power Point Darts?
Have you got 26 grams?
Oh. 23?
- Alright, Sandra? - Not bad.
- Morning, Sandra. - Not bad.
Do they have the barrel release and flight safe as well?
Why aren't you at school?
I'm sick.
What about you?
I'm sick, too.
What about you?
Me? I'm sick.
Well, get home, then.
Have they got the retractable in the barrel
when you pull them out?
How was sleep, love?
Fine.
I had to order Geoff a set of 23s.
He don't use them. They're too light.
They didn't have the ones he wanted.
You should have rung him first. He won't want to pay for 'em.
Alright.
Well, I'll see you later.
See you later.
Six times World Champion.
The greatest player of all time.
If you want to know about darts, listen to Eric.
Game on!
Hi, I'm Eric Bristow.
I'll give some of my top tips on how to play better darts.
First we're gonna get your grip right, then your stance,
then we're gonna use your weight
in the right way to improve your game.
It's about feeling comfortable.
You must feel comfortable on the oche.
The way it is structured and remoulded
are, for the voyeur, absolutely fantastic.
Right. Your go.
Picasso says, "Any act of creation
is an act of destruction."
As soon as you painted a picture.
It's a bit like painting your bathroom wall.
It becomes something else.
Is it that easy? No, it just becomes a different colour.
A little bit further to your right.
- Where'd that go? - No, further to your right.
Hang on, Shady. Give me the dart.
I'll show you how to do it.
- Thank you very much. - You ready?
Double top.
Where'd it go?
I don't know.
Got ya!
Right. It's the Blackpool kitty.
- Here we go. - I'm getting the luxury coach.
I'm gonna put the deposit on it.
I'll give you a fiver now.
I'm getting one with a video in it.
Nice one.
What about them, you see?
- Can I get you one in, love? - Go on, then.
Do you want a drink, duck? Geoff's buying.
Oh, I'll have a pint of bitter, please.
Right, a pint of bitter.
Please, Monty.
You alright, Bob?
Only halves.
What does he mean by that, anyway?
Choose right.
Hey, love.
Where'd you spring from?
Evening, lads.
You in good nick tonight, Colin?
Need to be, with this lot.
- Play, do you? - Not much.
I don't mind watching, though.
My God, it's P.C. Road Tax.
I'm not sitting in your seat, am I?
Yes, you are.
Dear me. I am sorry.
I better move on before I get done for loitering.
Settle down.
Ready for a stuffing tonight, lads?
Visitors over there.
Nik Nik.
I'd forgotten it was that little prick.
We gotta beat this lot, lads.
Right, Colin, you're first up.
Let's get this game on.
Hello, hello, hello.
Madam, I will ask you to come quietly.
- Oh, no, I won't come quietly. - Madam!
Oh, you bastard!
"The male may be too old to produce sperm."
Bollocks.
"He may be genetically sterile.
He may have become sterile due to damage of his gonads."
"None of these are fixable.
The only solution is to find another male."
What do you reckon, Geoff?
I want us to be together, Sand.
What are you talking about?
I want us to be together when we're in Blackpool.
It could be our first trip together as a couple.
You want me to leave Colin?
Colin doesn't have owt I couldn't give you.
I couldn't keep me hands off you last night.
I noticed.
Think about walking down the Golden Mile together,
looking at the illuminations, seeing the tower.
Hey, we could go see "Grumbleweeds," couldn't we?
Yeah, we could go and see the aquarium.
Anything you want.
I do like Blackpool.
There's a look of defeat on Eric Bristow's face
as Colin the Lightning Low steps onto the oche.
These three darts could decide this year's world championships.
20. 2 darts.
He needs 19, and then double 8.
He's got the 19.
The crowd's hushed up.
Bristow shakes his head.
It's too late for that, Eric.
Double 8 for the match.
Oh, bugger.
Where does she keep the change?
See you tomorrow, Geoff.
About 9-ish.
Lights are out. Give us a kiss.
Neighbors!
Good night.
You still up, duck?
I didn't wake you, did I?
No, no. I were up.
You alright?
What were all that about, Sandra?
What?
I saw thee. I saw it.
Saw what?
Yeah, Geoff.
You know what he's like. He were just sodding about.
Don't be daft. Come on, let's go to bed.
I left in the night, thinking he were out with his mates.
- What's going on? - Nothing's going on!
I just got a lift back, didn't I?
- What's wrong with you? - I should have bloody known.
The man has his hands on you all the bloody time.
I thought you'd have brains to know better than that.
One of me mates?
- The bloody captain! - Let me...
I just saw that, Sandra!
I saw it.
I've left him.
Geoff and me got to thinking
that we were wanting to get together.
Yeah, there's two sides to it, lads.
Me and her, yeah.
We couldn't stop it, like.
But after what she's been through at home,
that's not right for no lady.
No, no, it needs saying, duck.
If you're saying that our Colin has been a bad man at home,
then I don't believe that.
He's as calm as cow shit on the lawn.
Yeah?
Well, it's the truth.
Show 'em your wrist, duck.
Come on. Look at this. Look at that.
Now, I couldn't stand by and let something like that
happen to our Sand, could I?
And not do something about it, could I?
So as captain, I've made a tough decision.
Colin's off the team. Shady's in.
Now, we're gonna concentrate on tonight's game, are we?
Win this one.
Good warm-up for Blackpool, isn't it?
Where is he?
I don't know, man.
I'm starving.
Who needs Blackpool?
We’ll have the crack, though, won't we, Zip?
Always be honest.
You don't live long enough to be kidding.
You both love Blackpool, Colin.
She's talked about nowt else for the last three months.
Blackpool this and Blackpool that.
And now she's going.
And you ain't even gonna bloody go.
What if she don't come back?
You'll look back in about 30 years.
When you stayed home.
And didn't even put up a bloody fight.
Hey, up. Anthony and Cleopatra.
- Alright, lads. - Alright.
- You're always late. - Hey up, Sand.
All fit for Blackpool, then?
Deno.
I got let down by the luxury coach, lads.
But at least we won't get stopped for speeding.
There you go.
To the shirts, will you?
Come on, Deno.
Blackpool, a week?
Haven't even got a video.
- Trevor, you get in the back. - What?
Don't be scheming. Get in there.
I can't go in there. I've got claustrophobia.
Shut up, Trevor.
You ride in style with me, love.
There we go.
Blackpool, here we come.
Good luck.
Take good care of her.
We will.
- See you, then. - See ya.
Alright.
Hello?
Hello.
- It's me. - Where are you?
I'm at corner of Wilcox Road,
and I'm just ringing to say I'm alright.
How's it all back there?
It's alright.
Speak up.
It's alright.
Right. Good.
Well, I'll see you soon. Bye.
See ya.
Alright.
Are you ready to order?
Can I have sausage, beans, eggs, and chips?
You want mushrooms?
Ah, go on, then.
I'm on the road, love.
Are ya?
I'm off up to Blackpool.
Las Vegas of the North.
Are the portions bigger than in these pictures?
I don't know.
I'm in the service business with Sand.
Nothing worse than someone being rude.
I hate it when they come in and grunt
and bend the corners on the magazines
without no intention of buying them,
and then they're off without so much as an "alright."
Don't it drive you mad?
Is that everything?
Be about five minutes.
Well, thanks a lot. I'll see you again.
3, 2, 1 .
Go!
You had a word with them lads about tearin' up beermats?
You've only had two in the last hour.
Then help us out a bit, Ron.
Work to live, not work to live.
Live to live or work.
Any chance of getting the leg over tonight?
Nice old helmet you got there.
- Harley? - Honda.
Gold Wing?
50.
Heading up to Blackpool.
Blackpool.
I've had some mucky times over there.
Bloody hell I have.
Nearly got meself into a "mensch à la trois" once.
Las Vegas of the North, it's like.
Wouldn't happen to have a nice local beer?
It's funny you should say that. Got one of me own concoctions.
Wicked Weasel, Mark IV.
Mark IV?
It's from a good line of prototypes.
Wouldn't bother if I were you.
Shut it, Mandy. I've had no complaints yet.
That's 'cause you hadn't sold any.
A new product needs time to find its market.
£2.40.
Alright.
You're not supposed to sit on that swing. It's broken.
Not a-bloody-gain, Ebony.
Why do you have to tamper with the bloody swings?
I haven't done anything.
- I'm alright. -It's not bloody on this!
You're gonna bankrupt me. Some bugger'll sue us.
No, it just broke.
Things don't bloody break willy-nilly.
Hands tamper with the objects that feed. Go on. Inside.
- No. - I won't tell you twice.
You want me to get your mum out here?
Could you do us a refill?
Smell that.
Sorry, mate, I can't drink that.
I don't know. It's off. I'll have a bottle.
- A bottle? - Yeah.
He drank it.
There's nowt wrong with me Wicked Weasel, is there, lad?
No, no, I'll have a bottle.
Do you want a game, mate?
If you want to, yeah.
Yeah?
Go on, Ian.
My name's Ian.
Colin. Me mates call me "Col."
There you go.
Cheers.
I had Eric Bristow in here last year.
Played a game on this very board.
- On this one? - Yeah.
Me and Eric.
- Eric Bristow. - Yeah.
- Beat him and all. Nearly did. - No, he didn't.
If you've nothing better to do, sort out that daughter of yours.
She's causing carnage in the car park.
Is he still alive?
Of course he's still alive.
Six times World Champion. Bristow.
Six times World Champion at darts, though.
Sarah, you don't understand darts, so don't start now.
- How many ends you want to play? - It's legs.
It's ends.
No, Ian, it's legs.
Is it?
Don't laugh. Alright. Come on.
Aw, shit. You alright? I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
- It's just a scratch. - I didn't mean to do that.
- I know you didn't.
I was only playing.
"One driver, kidding himself he was heading north,
covered hundreds of miles of the M25.
Stopped to ask the police the directions to Durham.
And discovered he was only 15 miles from his home in Kent."
"Another en route from Lancashire to Middlesex
pulled into an M25 lay-by
in a state of glassy-eyed confusion almost two days later.
He'd been around once too often and was temporarily witless."
Alright, Colin.
Sorry.
She trying it on, Col?
No, I was just erecting me tent.
Oh, look, Ian, you've embarrassed him now.
You're the one flashing your tits.
No, wasn't doing it.
It was just me getting a gaze in, is all, going for me pegs.
Mate, can I ask you a personal question?
When did you last have it cut?
I can't remember.
I used to cut my brother's hair.
He was like you. He had loads of it.
Did you know there's some folk music on tonight, Colin?
Do you like folk?
Me and Sandra don't really listen to music.
More into the telly, really.
That Bobby Davro's me favourite.
He's oh-so cheeky.
A little bit of a tit, though, isn't he?
There you go.
Your wife's gonna love that, mate.
There you go.
What's this?
Finishing touches.
Stick it on.
For those of you feeling peckish,
there are hot pies available at the bar.
And could I just ask people
to please stop pissing in the car park?
Kindly use the urinals provided.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kate Rusby.
I wouldn't clap yet. You've not heard the songs.
This first one is a song called "The Fairest of All Yarrow."
You look different.
It's the hair.
How much?
Oh, you're alright. He's not looking.
Thanks very much.
She with you, is she?
Yeah.
Hello!
How's it feel? You itch?
It's a little bit itchy. Yeah.
It looks good though, mate.
Yeah.
Thank you very much indeed. You're kind of quiet tonight.
It's 'cause you're in awe of me with me glamourous skirt.
Anyway, this next song we're gonna do is a song called
"I Wonder What Is Keeping My True Love This Night."
I wonder what is keeping my true love this night
I wonder what is keeping him out of my sight
I wonder if he knows of the pain I endure
And stays from me this night I’m not sure
Oh, love, are you coming, your cause to advance?
Or yet are you waiting for a far, far better chance?
Are you coming for to tell me you've a new love in store?
Or are you coming for to tell me
You love me no more?
Who's the mystery woman?
It's me wife.
Sandra.
I'm off up to see her in Blackpool.
She's gonna be surprised when she sees you.
Probably.
So Cliff Lazarenko needed double top for the match.
And Eric needed 134, right?
And he got it?
But it were the way he went about it.
Yeah, but he got it?
He got it.
Sarah, let the man tell his story.
Ian, it's another darts anecdote, though.
So?
Give him a cup.
Ah, bugger. Sarah's right. It's boring.
No more dart stories.
God knows what I'll talk about now, then.
Have I showed you me toothbrush trick?
No.
Watch this.
- What's his toothbrush trick? - I don't know.
He's off to surprise his wife in Blackpool.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
You've never surprised me.
Why don't you surprise me?
Oh, don't start.
Alright.
This trick was shown to me by my very good friend Craig.
That's great. Straight in the fire.
Yeah.
Have you got another one?
No.
If it was poetry, it just wouldn't stand.
He tried all the time to write the last line.
But he put too many words in the last sentence
to make it work as a poem.
Oh, I've got to get me head down.
I think I'll join you.
There you go.
Good night, mate.
I've had a bloody good night.
You've taken me in lovely.
I feel like Jesus in the barn.
Except I'm not religious.
Bloody hell.
"Colin, have a great journey.
See you on the road.
Sarah and Ian."
Isn't that nice?
Hello?
Oh, right. Yeah. Hi.
Yeah. Brilliant. Great.
Yeah, yeah.
When are you coming back, then?
Right. Okay. Right.
Customers! Gotta go. Bye.
Save the trees! Save the trees!
Trees not rats!
Save the trees!
Save the trees.
Would you like a cheese sandwich?
I wouldn't say no, actually. Thank you.
Listen to the trees.
Every one of these trees has a story to tell.
When they built that dam,
do you know how many thousands of trees were killed?
100-year-old homes to birds and insects.
All washed away.
All their stories lost forever.
People say that you can hear the ghosts of the birds and insects
looking for their lost homes.
Listen.
The spirit of the forest.
I know a story.
There were this woman with this ring,
and this bloke that pulled it off her finger.
No, he didn't. She died.
Or he killed her. It don't matter.
And he's trying to pull it off, but he couldn't.
And then all these people arrived and took her away.
And anyway, she were buried.
And this bloke. He digs her up.
And he tries to take it off with a saw, or a knife or something,
and then does all these things in there, and then he's at home.
And then boo! No. Bang!
Something like that, anyway.
Come on, girls. Let's move on.
Hello.
Excuse.
Have you got two 20s and a 10 for 50P, have you?
Throw the lot in. It’ll double your luck.
Did you make a wish?
Are you in charge of that lot, then?
No one's in charge.
Look at you, bike.
Hello!
That were my bike.
The girls thought it needed a bit of colour.
I hope you don't mind.
No, no, no.
I thought it were really beautiful.
Yeah, but this woman died.
But this ring that this bloke tried to pull off her.
No. No, he didn't.
She died.
Or he killed her.
It don't matter.
Is this one any good for ya?
Couldn't have done that without you.
I knew the first time I saw her she was the girl I'd marry.
And I did.
Childhood sweethearts.
And you've been happy ever since?
Happy ever since.
Where is she now, then?
Blooming heck, I feel like I'm in a driving lesson.
Sorry.
Her's up in Blackpool playing bunny rabbit
with P.C. bloody Geoff bloody Atkins.
I'm going up to Blackpool to bring her home.
I'll make her happy.
I've always made her happy.
She wanted a newsagents, so I got her a newsagents.
She wanted her own house, so I got her her own house.
She didn't want kiddies.
So we didn't have kiddies.
She wanted tropical fish.
She had everything she wanted.
And now it's all changed.
Everything’s changing all the time, Colin.
That's what life is.
I best get off.
Yes.
Where are you going, Colin?
Yeah, where are you going, Colin?
Bye, Colin.
- Very nice to have you with us. - It was good being here.
- Bye. - Cheerio, Colin.
All the best.
- Goodbye! - Drive safely, Colin!
Good luck!
Goodbye, Colin!
- See ya! - Goodbye!
Aye, aye, it's the Lone Ranger.
You still going to Blackpool?
So is me, Mandy, and...
Hop in.
Move over, Ebony, will ya?
Will you open that bloody door?
You're not me dad. Don't tell me what to do.
I'm sick of you.
Mandy, will you have a word with her?
Where's your bike?
Bike?
Her's dead.
Have you ever been in a Jag before, Colin?
No.
Beautiful car.
The missus thinks I've gone
to Blackpool on business, doesn't she, Mand?
Yeah.
Falls for it every time, the woman does.
Well, you got to get away now and again, Col.
What's the point of hanging 'round the same woman
when there's beauties like Mand walking about?
I gave Mand a job 'cause she's got a little kid, haven't you?
Yeah.
You need the money when you're bringing them up by yourself.
Yeah.
And a bit of fun and all.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I don't know why some blokes haven't seen the light, Colin.
Folks have just got to get away
from their marriage every now and again, haven't they?
Oh, shit.
Ebony, for Christ's sake.
Were you pulling faces at that copper?
Jesus. Not again.
I think you'll really like the tower.
You know, when it first opened, there was a zoo near the top.
It had a lion in a small cage.
I'm allergic to lions.
Are you?
Well, that were replaced by an indoor garden.
With waterfalls and fountains and that.
I bet that were boring.
Well, now it's an adventure playground for kiddies.
It's called Jungle Jim's.
I don't like jungles.
What will you do when you get there?
I'm going to see some friends.
What's 60 quid split four ways?
Blackpool Tower. Look.
Where?
There.
I can't see it. Oh. Typical, though, isn't it?
Our Mandy will spot a big erection from 10 mile off.
How would you know?
It's not what I remember at all.
Blackpool hasn't changed. It's the people that come here.
Look at it.
Middle England.
Knackered.
I remember when Blackpool
was full of people who had flair and style.
Nowadays it's full of nasty youths and drunken hen parties.
No class.
Not the kind of place for a romantic weekend, then?
Perfect, Colin.
Well, there's cheap bedrooms, isn't there?
You can't park here. It's a disabled space.
Just limp when you get out, you daft cow.
Don't call her a daft cow.
Tell her to stop acting like one, then.
Colin, they're more trouble than they're worth.
Get the bags, will you?
Hello. Welcome to the Nessun Dorma.
Wait a minute.
You'll be wanting a room, then, will you?
I'd like a single room for the girls.
Okay.
And a double room for me.
You two gents will be sharing, will you?
- No. - No, no.
It's not a problem if you do.
We have a very liberal attitude in here.
We won't be sharing, but thank you very much for asking.
I'm not staying.
Well, please yourself.
I just ask you to stick your moniker on there if you would.
Down here?
Just at the bottom there.
If you want to wait in the bar, we’ll prepare the rooms for you.
- There you go. - Alright.
Alright. You girls make yourselves...
I was just thinking, Col, since I gave you a lift,
any chance you could take the monster for a couple hours?
- Alright, Ron. - Good man. What you having?
I'll have a pint of bitter, please.
So, what can I do for you?
Hey, I hardly know you.
Makes it more exciting. Don't you think?
I'll bring 'em through.
So is that your wife and kids?
No, no, no. I'm single, me.
Young, free, and single.
So what you doing here in Blackpool?
Just checking out the sights.
You know, seeing what Blackpool has to offer.
Have you ever been on the Big Dipper?
Do you want to get away from Ron for a bit?
Want to go up there?
Mind your shoes don't fall off.
Thanks for today.
That's alright. I've enjoyed meself.
I think I'd best go see Ron. He'll be worrying.
He won't be, will he?
I'd say no.
I find myself with some right titheads, I do, Colin.
I don't even like him.
I only came here 'cause I wanted an holiday with Ebony.
I best go look for me friends.
Well, if you don't find them, we’ll be on the number-1 tram.
Gonna get you!
Come and get your souvenir photograph.
It's only a quid. Come and have a look.
It's only a pound for a picture.
Only take a second. You see them on the screen before you buy.
It's only a quid, if you want one.
Oh. Sorry, there, mate. I'm going off on one.
There you go, duck. Have a look at the screen there.
Look at the screen.
That's it. Cheers.
Just give it a smile.
It's only a quid for a little black-and-white.
Not interested? It's only a yes or a no.
I realise you're probably lost. It's a complicated town.
But it's a no.
What a no, right? What a no.
Never mind.
Never did he mind me.
Anybody else? What about you with Pikachu?
If you find this exhibition hard to swallow,
meet Dagamar Rockne, the man who can swallow anything.
It's 25 past. What are you doing?
Are the shirts alright?
Fine.
Don't carry them like that. Carry them so they hang.
Where's the lads?
I don't know.
I bet they got pissed last night.
I wish we had.
With a day like I've got today, come off it.
Well, I'm drinking today.
You can do what you like. I'm not bothered.
I have noted it.
Oh, yeah? And what do you mean by that?
"I want to walk down the Mile with thee.
We could take in a show."
All I've taken in is your trousers.
Well, hey! Nik Nik!
Hey, up.
I can't believe I've been drawn against you.
- Hello, me darling. - Hi.
Hey, them trous are a bit tight, aren't they?
This is a nightmare, is this.
Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome onstage,
for today's second semifinal,
from the Twelve Nights Inn, Mick Thornton!
And from the Athletic Arms, Geoff Atkins!
Go on, Geoff!
- Alright, Geoff. - Go on, Geoff.
It's the Twelve Nights Inn to throw first.
Game on!
85.
Come on, Geoff.
6.
121 !
Yeah! Yeah!
Come on, Geoff.
60.
Hey, Nik Nik.
81 .
Twelve Night! Twelve Night!
Twelve Night! Twelve Night! Twelve Night!
45.
100.
57.
26.
Come on, now. Keep your focus.
What you done to your hair?
Have a word with you outside, Sandra?
Hey. Just a minute, Colin.
I've got nowt to say to thee, Geoff.
So why don't you just go back over there
and carry on watching the darts?
Well, why don't you just clear off, Colin?
- You're not wanted here. - She's my wife, Geoff.
My wife.
I've come to have a word with her, alright?
You're very plain, Colin. Alright.
Sandra, do you want a word with your ex-husband?
- Yeah. I do. -97.
Well, I'll see you in a minute, Sand.
Lost your woman and all now, Nik Nik?
Right. I've had it with that little bugger.
Come on, lads. We're gonna sort 'em out.
Come on.
Alright. Anyone fancy a pint?
I'll give you a hand.
You had a good weekend?
Not bad.
How was the darts going?
Alright.
Eric Bristow's here.
Is he?
I'm glad you come, Colin.
I nearly didn't, though.
Thought, "What point?"
It clearly got bored.
Let us finish, Sand.
It got bored.
That's what happened.
We'd gone off like bad milk.
And I hadn't seen it coming.
Oh, aye, everyone else had. But I didn't.
I thought I were making you happy.
You'll never know how much that hurt, seeing thee and Geoff.
I went to bed that night, and I saw the dents
in the pillow where our heads had been.
And I thought, "She ain't never gonna be in this bed again."
I wanted to die.
I couldn't have stopped crying.
When I did, I'd just think of the pillow,
and I'd be off again.
Daft, isn't it?
I'm leaving Geoff.
Good.
I've been a daft sod, haven't I?
There's nowt wrong with thee, Sand.
Do you want a hug?
Sorry, Colin.
I love you so much.
But I've spent so much of me life
just watching the world out the shop window.
I thought that was all we both wanted.
But now I'm seeing the world from this end.
And I want to keep going.
I don't want to stop.
I don't want to go back to the shop.
To the pub.
To me.
I'm sorry, Sand.
So what am I gonna do now?
The shop's yours now.
You can do whatever you want with it.
I'm gonna see what's 'round the next corner.
You take good care, Col.
And thee.
It's a good bike. Lots of chrome.
Great for touring, cruising.
Beautiful bike.
What about that one?
Sports tourer with 190 miles an hour.
I know. Quick bike.
That's the one for me.
Great choice.